This is terrible.

This is horrific.

This is exactly what I wanted without wanting it.

The days are growing short. The time I have here is so fleeting. I realized that there are certain people I won't even get to say goodbye to. There's this sort of trapped feeling I'm encountering not having enough time. I think also it made me realize how few people really matter. That's been the most interesting part of this whole ordeal and decision to move is how much I realized how little and how much people meant to me. I realized a lot of things today. I think I'm a lot more fake than I've allowed myself to realize. I don't know...maybe not fake...maybe just not who I think I am.

I know a greater portion of my life, especially as an "adult", has been spent in a haze of arrogance and dishonesty (to myself that ultimate reflects on others). I think this is too personal to write in some blog, but there are a few people I hope read it. A few people who I didn't lie to, but a few people I think I lead on when I tried covering my insecurity. I think that's about as honest as I can be over a fucking computer screen stealing wifi in a fucking parking lot.

I think there's a few people I've been really honest with.

And I think there's something about that statement that doesn't just sit in my stomach the way it should.

I think part of this move was me telling myself I deserved a better life and a chance to start with a clean slate. There was this selfish sort of feeling I was grasping to that told me to run and to start over. And there are a lot of valid reasons for moving, but there was this spark that came from me thinking about myself and the world I created around myself. This world that could balance sometimes and sometimes fell apart so violently and in the most fucking ridiculous ways...I was just tired of it. And that's why I'm leaving. A clean slate. A white sheet of paper that doesn't have my faults written on them.

So I've made the decision. I'm moving. I'm really doing it.

So what am I going to do differently? I'm twenty one years old. I should know better than to be doing a lot of what I do.

So what am I going to do differently?

What new years resolutions am I going to try and stick with?

Is February going to come by and am I going to call it quits?

I don't know if I will have the opportunity to write in this again until I'm at least in Redding. So until then, I'll think.

Until then I'll just mull it all over and think to myself "What the fuck did it I do wrong and how am I going to fix it? Because it's not someone else's problem anymore. I can't blame someone's faults, decisions, or cold-hearted hatred held against me anymore. It's my world that I can shape and how am I going to make it something I can sustain?"