It seems like things are placing themselves. It seems like the pieces I thought I had to put back together, sort of marched their way into succession. Tiny inconsistencies made up for a pattern I could have never guessed. The weavings of a beautiful picture painted on the northwestern coast. I think it's finally happening.

One thing in particular weighed heavy on my mind the past day or so. It's promises. I was talking to a friend and commitments and ideals on lasting relationships were brought up. Then marriage. And I realized how scared I am not of commitments or longevity, but more so, maintaining my word and bond. I think that my greatest fear is disappointing someone who I look up to. Letting someone down is about the most powerfully felt thing that resonates in me like a quarter-tone. I'm thinking to myself, I can turn it all off, but I don't think I can.

Sometimes I can just flip a switch in my head. I won't get attached. I won't feel anything. And I'll just walk away. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can't flip that switch because a mutual respect is what follows and I can't turn that switch on that person. So where does my word lead me? Where does the unspoken commitment of honesty follow me? I'm leaving in 4 weeks. I can lie all day long because the truth is that there are no repercussions. There are no consequences. Sure I can burn my bridges and I'll have to avoid people when I visit "home". But really, there aren't any. I've tried explaining this to a couple people as such: If you knew that the world was ending tomorrow at 7 pm. What would you do? Would you kill someone? Would you make love with someone? Would you run from someone? Would you hurt someone? Would someone hurt you? The way I see it. I have no guarantees. And as nihilistic as that sounds in a off sense, I don't. And it's up to me to make something good of today. But without a guarantee on tomorrow, why invest? What's the point of mutual respect? What's the point of admiration or for attachment?

I know what the answer is. I truly do. But somehow it's on the tip of my tongue but completely inaudible.