Dear,

I'll work on me being so nearsighted.

Sorry for everything.

Love,

Jason.

I think certain people want me to write about my last show with Dance For Destruction. I think people want to hear the drama, they want to see me write "fuck this band" or "fuck this person" but I'm not going to. Namely because I have no hard feelings at all. I'm totally happy with my decision to leave, I think it was the right time, but it was for me. It's just time for me to move on. I'd absolutely encourage you to support Dance For Destruction. They're all good people that I'm going to miss a lot.

I've been across the country and back with them and they're like siblings to me (Ean of course being the patriarchal big brother).

Other than that. I'm just getting ready to leave. Essentially, I'm just in the 3 day process of saying goodbye. Today I move out of my house. Tomorrow I spend with my family. Monday I'm spending with Jamie and Dana. Tuesday I'm in Redding. Then I head into Portland on Friday. HOT WATER MOTHERFUCKING MUSIC ON SATURDAY.

I have no solid place to live. I have no job. I have 3 friends. And more adventure than I've ever held in my entire life.

I'll write as much as I can, whenever I can when I get there. My next entry will likely be in Redding though.

This is terrible.

This is horrific.

This is exactly what I wanted without wanting it.

The days are growing short. The time I have here is so fleeting. I realized that there are certain people I won't even get to say goodbye to. There's this sort of trapped feeling I'm encountering not having enough time. I think also it made me realize how few people really matter. That's been the most interesting part of this whole ordeal and decision to move is how much I realized how little and how much people meant to me. I realized a lot of things today. I think I'm a lot more fake than I've allowed myself to realize. I don't know...maybe not fake...maybe just not who I think I am.

I know a greater portion of my life, especially as an "adult", has been spent in a haze of arrogance and dishonesty (to myself that ultimate reflects on others). I think this is too personal to write in some blog, but there are a few people I hope read it. A few people who I didn't lie to, but a few people I think I lead on when I tried covering my insecurity. I think that's about as honest as I can be over a fucking computer screen stealing wifi in a fucking parking lot.

I think there's a few people I've been really honest with.

And I think there's something about that statement that doesn't just sit in my stomach the way it should.

I think part of this move was me telling myself I deserved a better life and a chance to start with a clean slate. There was this selfish sort of feeling I was grasping to that told me to run and to start over. And there are a lot of valid reasons for moving, but there was this spark that came from me thinking about myself and the world I created around myself. This world that could balance sometimes and sometimes fell apart so violently and in the most fucking ridiculous ways...I was just tired of it. And that's why I'm leaving. A clean slate. A white sheet of paper that doesn't have my faults written on them.

So I've made the decision. I'm moving. I'm really doing it.

So what am I going to do differently? I'm twenty one years old. I should know better than to be doing a lot of what I do.

So what am I going to do differently?

What new years resolutions am I going to try and stick with?

Is February going to come by and am I going to call it quits?

I don't know if I will have the opportunity to write in this again until I'm at least in Redding. So until then, I'll think.

Until then I'll just mull it all over and think to myself "What the fuck did it I do wrong and how am I going to fix it? Because it's not someone else's problem anymore. I can't blame someone's faults, decisions, or cold-hearted hatred held against me anymore. It's my world that I can shape and how am I going to make it something I can sustain?"

So. Due to my excessive amount of business, between work, practice, packing, cleaning, and planning. I haven't had much time to write in this. I wish I could have. My thoughts have been massively scattered and I kept on wanting to write, but I couldn't find the focus. So one massive sandwich and sleeping at my Mom's house helped that out quite a bit.

It's 6 days at this point until I move.

I haven't really locked down exactly how I feel yet. I made my goodbyes with a few people and it's been strange and plastic.

And there it goes. My focus. Totally gone.

Maybe I'll regain it when I have Portland under my feet.

I had a dream last night. It went something like this.

"I hope that you're happy going north. I know you wanted to and I'm sorry I got in the way. I hope that you're not moving there to appease some sort of idea that you're escaping anything. You won't find what you're looking for unless it's misery and distance. I hope you realize that your journey towards something temporary, intangible and plastic fails miserably like I know it will."

I don't know how I conjure this fucking shit up. But I do. And it hurts because I know it's not a stretch of truth. This is not farfetched. And you can sleep easy knowing that whatever aches are in my heart are all yours.

I've probably started this entry at least three or four times. I think now that my mind has settled down sort of, I'm hoping I can get some of this out.

Last night was awful. Literally one of the worst nights I can fathom happening in a long time. There are so many elements and different things but they're all awful in their own particular way. Mostly, I was just disappointed. I was disappointed in people and their inability to communicate and listen to what other people have to say. The oblivious sighted person can only see what's set in front of them. And as I'm just as guilty as many a lot of the time, it doesn't detracted from the sickness in my stomach when I see violence, disrespect, and such a hostile state of distaste. I'd like to say it left a bitter taste in my mouth, but it made me want to fucking vomit.

I can complain. I can criticize. And I can tear down everything I don't like about hardcore in Sacramento. I can do the same with people I considered friends. I can do the same with people I genuinely cared about. And now I'm left here, writing in this fucking blog about it. It doesn't change anything. My feelings, my opinion, my solutions, they literally mean nothing. Because there's too much momentum. And I don't think I can do anything about it. And it sucks. But that's part of the solution.

Leaving is going to be so good. Getting out of here will feel so great.

I felt like I had more to write. And I sort of do. But the words are too fragile. And certain hearts aren't to be toyed with.

It seems like things are placing themselves. It seems like the pieces I thought I had to put back together, sort of marched their way into succession. Tiny inconsistencies made up for a pattern I could have never guessed. The weavings of a beautiful picture painted on the northwestern coast. I think it's finally happening.

One thing in particular weighed heavy on my mind the past day or so. It's promises. I was talking to a friend and commitments and ideals on lasting relationships were brought up. Then marriage. And I realized how scared I am not of commitments or longevity, but more so, maintaining my word and bond. I think that my greatest fear is disappointing someone who I look up to. Letting someone down is about the most powerfully felt thing that resonates in me like a quarter-tone. I'm thinking to myself, I can turn it all off, but I don't think I can.

Sometimes I can just flip a switch in my head. I won't get attached. I won't feel anything. And I'll just walk away. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can't flip that switch because a mutual respect is what follows and I can't turn that switch on that person. So where does my word lead me? Where does the unspoken commitment of honesty follow me? I'm leaving in 4 weeks. I can lie all day long because the truth is that there are no repercussions. There are no consequences. Sure I can burn my bridges and I'll have to avoid people when I visit "home". But really, there aren't any. I've tried explaining this to a couple people as such: If you knew that the world was ending tomorrow at 7 pm. What would you do? Would you kill someone? Would you make love with someone? Would you run from someone? Would you hurt someone? Would someone hurt you? The way I see it. I have no guarantees. And as nihilistic as that sounds in a off sense, I don't. And it's up to me to make something good of today. But without a guarantee on tomorrow, why invest? What's the point of mutual respect? What's the point of admiration or for attachment?

I know what the answer is. I truly do. But somehow it's on the tip of my tongue but completely inaudible.