I think I got the inspirado and kickstart I needed for a really good entry. But then I realized it was 4 AM.

See:

shyboyswin
tranquilmammoth

Walls can't close in any further because I'm not trapped anymore. But looking at 4 pieces of concrete move in so quickly still makes me shutter.

Distance is no longer coupled with meaning. Distance is meaning.

Well.

I still don't have a house. I have a home. But no house.

God. I fucking love it here. So much amazing food, and nice people, and the band is perfect. Stuff may need to get sorted out with the lineup, but the backbone is there. And that's all that matters. I feel so good about this decision. I was apprehensive, and I was lonely. But I realized that sorting things out and knowing that being alone isn't wrong or bad. Being alone is just...being alone. I don't have this outlet for romantic emotions and I don't really need one. There are people I miss and there are romantic feelings I wish I could pursue. But being alone is...sort of nice. I know that it's right for me right now. Just being alone and specifically not getting involved with anyone. But for tonight. For the past week as well. It's been nice not thinking about the next time I'll hold somebody, or when somebody will hold me. And I think I'm okay with that. And maybe there are exceptions (Duh. Karen.). But I think I'm okay with that too.

I think this city. These friends. And this new life is the foundation I needed to reestablish.

I don't really want to be anybody's baby anymore.

So far, myself, Chris, Terry, and Adam have become this quartet of awesome since I've gotten into town. We've been bouncing between different friends, houses, people we meet, trying to sleep on floors until we find a house. Adam's parents, after meeting us and getting to know us better agreed to let us stay until we finalize our house. We went and looked at one on the South Eastern side of town. It's a perfect location, and it's dirt cheap.

I don't even know where to begin describing the past 3 days. It's basically been a non-stop party. We're having our first band practice tomorrow which blows my mind. I'm so happy with everyone and every aspect. It's like talking to myself about what I want to do with music.

I feel like a new person. I feel like what I've been searching for within myself is finally able to come out because there's no old habits. There's no old bullshit. And there's no routine in my way of being anything but who I really am. I'm realizing now how different I was from what I wanted to be. And I'm realizing that this whole experience now, is a reset. And I'm so thankful for it.

I'm almost a week celibate too. I decided that was the first thing I was going to change. I think that getting involved with girls is complicated, fragile, and dangerous. None of which are good characteristics within a situation while you're trying to ground yourself with a new city. I think that avoiding that, and just trying to make friends and not developing a different mentality, should be a really good benefactor to this whole "reset". I know it's only a week. But I'm honestly aiming until the end of the year.

Lastly. I feel like the four of us (Myself, Chris, Terry, and Adam) are so close after barely knowing each other. It just all clicked. It's like we've been doing this friendship thing for years. And we've been doing it for mere days. It's a really good feeling. And I can't be thankful enough.

2 tanks of gas.
At least 10 Rockstars.
About 600 miles.
2 chuds.
1 middle finger.
1 four day pit stop.
1 new friend/drummer.
1 foot out the door.

I'm home.

There's something in the air. I can feel a much cooler breeze on the horizon. I can see rain and snow and sleet and hail. And it's all coming for me.

Today is the day I leave Redding for Portland. Today is the official embarking of a new adventure and chapter in my life. Everything that's happened so far has been a tunnel that's been leading to what I've perceived to be light. I'm leaving behind a lot. Namely my family, a few choices friends, and everything comfortable that I've ever known. That all was the first step out of the door onto this journey. This is the second leg and the door shutting behind me.

So if you're reading this thinking "I'm truly going to miss this guy", then thanks for the memories, and visit me soon. Relationships and dynamics can always change and become something equally positive and just different. And if you're thinking "this guy is a copout/sellout/asshole/coward/etc" you're probably right. But the good news is that you can go fuck yourself and never think about me again. Hopefully you won't see me when I visit home. I'm thinking there's a pretty solid number of the latter, so in knowledge of it being widely applicable, I mean it even more.

"Here's to the skinned knees and sutchered hearts. Here's to the unhappy endings and all the false starts."

Dear Redding,

Please don't be a blindfold to my overcoming fear.

I cried a lot today. A lot more than I wanted to.

I miss you.