If I have ever been romantically interested in you, please feel free to call/text/IM/write/message/show up in front of my face, and tell me how happy you are with somebody else. We've got like, 4 down in the past day. So let's keep it going today.

It's all so ironic the things that you think, you preface them all with a nod and a wink. The clothes that you wear and the words that you speak; you're so fucking clever; you're tongue's in your cheek. You stand on the sidelines and shit on it all, never getting involved because you might take the fall. You're apathy hides the fact that you're scared, never expressing opinions or showing you care. The irony is that you totally suck. You can look down on me but I don't give a fuck. Because I hate assholes who hide behind fashion who live life devoid of emotion or passion. All style and no substance, you're flesh without bone, another footsoldier in an army of clones. So fuck your snide ways and your snotty asides, I fucking hate you and all of your kind.

And you are who you fuck, or so I am told. In this miserable city, where status is gold. I've seen shit-eating people who claw their way up, looking for the acceptance that they never got. And it's all about winning the meat market games. Among all the rejects, dropouts and fakes. Did everyone give you the attention you seek? Who's arm are you draped on this fucking week?

Trophy boys and trophy girls: Go fuck yourself, I hate your world. Fair-weather friends are keeping score.

Name dropper.
Name fucker.
You're a fucking whore.

There's a sense of pride and accomplishment that's been running over me since last night. I feel like since I've moved here, I've adopted this little black cloud that hangs over my head. I'm not sure when it formed, or how to make it go away. But I feel like the part of it that was really bringing me down is at a standstill. There are still many different angles that I need to work and grow throughout. But there's at least a finger in the dam holding back the flood.

I think that there are many things about me I don't understand. There are these ticks that I get where a switch gets turned on or turned off. And I go in and out of feeling certain ways. I don't need to be medicated. But it's been hard coping with it. I've become more apparently "up and down". And I'm not really sure how to make it work in my favor. The only thing I know how to do is to sulk into a dark depth of my own feelings, sinking into it like quicksand. Let the bitter taste of earth enter my lungs and then write. I'm hoping that by teetering so closely to peril that I don't end up becoming overwhelmed on drowning in the sand.

The loneliness has yet to subside. But it's been masked tenfold over with a sense that my mission, my goal, my efforts, my sacrifice, my relentlessness, and my fifth were invested effective. And now that I'm standing here at a monumental plateau, I think I'll just watch the sun set until tomorrow.

It's probably a mix of a lot of things. It's probably the cold, the snow, the lonesomeness, a lot of different things...But they all add up. Every element of "what could have been" and "what I wished it have been" converge together to make this feeling of ultimate loneliness. Honesty is a precious and beautiful commodity that I consider a need these days. I feel like it's the only glue holding me together anymore.

I've realized a lot of things about myself in the past week or so. Whenever certain people lose interest and when no one texts back. It all comes down to reflection. I feel like at this point, I'm okay with certain parts of it. But others just sort of weather the rock of my ego much harder than I could have expected. I know now how much I took advantage of people romantically before I left California. I realize now how much I depended on a lot of that attention and how the validation physically and emotionally was an addiction I stopped thinking about feeding and just fed. It wasn't any longer about wanting the feeling, it was about needing it, and nothing really stood in the way of grabbing hold of that warm body and eager heart. After moving here, I stopped. I gave it all up. Celibacy has evolved from a option into an ultimatum, and I'm thankful I chose honesty and integrity over the ease of romance and sexual desire. The hardest thing I've realized is that I don't think I've made a person romantically happy in a long time. Years at this point. I feel like I've amused people and entertained (and on the same token, I've been entertained and amused). And I'm done with that.

I can handle being let go. I can handle realism and values and how I get in the way. I can handle all of that. But there are some things I just can't let go of.

I remember the surprisingly warm January night twelve months ago. I remember everything about that night. I remember what you were wearing (that cardigan and jeans with your little shoestring headband). I remember how warm it was and how I only needed to wear my favorite Converge track-jacket. I remember it being wet outside, leftovers from that evening that hadn't evaporated yet. I remember your eyes. Strangely innocent. I remember the way you bashfully hid your smile, I'd later learn how insecure you were about showing your teeth. I always adored their imperfection. I remember dreading the thought of having to leave and I remember the skip in my heart when you agreed to conversation over dinner. I remember running to Chipotle and calling you to ask what you wanted. Your fucking burritos with just sour cream and no guacamole. Gross. I remember after bearing the cool air we couldn't do anything but go back to your apartment. I remember watching the Office for the first time. Season Two. "Gay Witch Hunt" (now one of my favorite episodes). I remember the way that during the first 10 or 15 minutes we sat so close that our legs would graze each other. We'd laugh together and you could do anything about hiding your smile at that point. I remember it getting late. I remember you putting your head on my shoulder. I remember commandeering your iPod dock and putting on "Young Turks". I remember you creeping up as I laid on my back softly singing "Young hearts be free tonight". I remember you kissing me and how nothing mattered.

I remember a lot of things after that, but I try not to. I block out how much I questioned about myself. I block out how much you got under my skin. I block out the words that were said so naively. I block out everything I came to understand to be hollow and empty. And what I'm left with is the paragraph above. Because everything else just hurts to think about. I used to say "I'd give anything to do things differently." But knowing what you're capable of now, I don't think I want to go there again. I kept on telling myself I let go. But I don't think I ever will. No resolution for open books and no consolation for feelings misplaced.

I love you like I've loved every other girl. And that means I never did.

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zippedstraight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change.

Social anxiety is a term used to describe an experience of anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension or worry) regarding social situations and being evaluated by other people. It occurs early in childhood as a normal part of social functioning. People vary in how often they experience social anxiety or in which kinds of situations. It can be related to shyness or other emotional or temperamental factors, but its exact nature is still the subject of research and theory. Extreme social anxiety can be disabling and may be diagnosed as social anxiety disorder (social phobia).

Upon review of the past year of my life I've come to one stark realization.

Naivety is a luxury, and an exclusive one to the youthful, faint of heart, and inexperienced.

As a side note, pretty much every person I've had any remote romantic interest in, in the past year can really go eat bleach. To think that anything valid or recognizable as real could have been found in nearly any of you makes me question my sanity as well as the running integrity of pretty much everyone alive.

"You can never be in love until you learn to be alone."

I think I was inspired to write after someone asked about the state of my blog's being. Someone I didn't expect to ask.

I don't really know what to write about. But the only thing worth writing about I can think of write now is well. Me.

Hey, I never claimed not to be an arrogant and/or centered fuck.



The band is going well. Problems with vocals have put a halt on our recording process. But the bright promise of recording 7 songs is making me itch with musical excitement.

I got a new job also. At Reynold's Optical. It's a really chill job where I sell glasses and work with optometry labs to be a middleman of frame selling and organization. While that description sounds work intensive and professional. It's probably the most chill job I've ever had. I work with really nice people and I'm excited to have a steady job.



Within a different forefront, I'm making new friends.



Playing a lot of Magic: The Gathering.



Reading several books.







And romance might be peaking into the keyhole of my life once again.



Who fucking knows with the way things have gone in the past. There's no such thing as consistency or monogamy. And if there is, I've never found it. I take the beginning steps of this familiar path with hesitation, caution, and I'm trying to underwhelm myself while disappointment could be over the next ridge of built of feelings to only plunge into some melodramatic valley of disinterest (on either party's part). But hey, if you're reading. Nothing personal.

Like I said. I never claimed to not be an arrogant and/or centered fuck.

I think I'm getting rough around the edges.

myspace.com/JasonSoejoto

Get into it.

I keep on meaning to start my infant related post. And I have a few times. But for some reason it just isn't coming out. I'm not really entirely sure what to write about. It's been sort of a weird past week living in the apartment. I still don't have a bed. Which does things to your head after a month of not sleeping in one. I almost wish I knew a girl that I could con into letting me cuddle with her. But alas, even with that knowledge, I couldn't. My 5 week mark of celibacy is upon me. I often think of Morrissey



and how he was celibate for a rumored 20 years. But according to an article I found, Morrissey didn't choose to be celibate. He simply, couldn't. "If you announce that nothing ever happens to you then you're announcing that you're incapable of roping anybody in." I suppose that the key word is "anybody". But if you want to take it one step further, "If there is one thing I have observed, it's that everybody has somebody. But no, not me." Is this self-centered, arrogant, and common-bond of a statement said out of choice, or inability? My theory, it was both. I say this because, I think I'm the same way in a sense. I think that my immaturity and inability lead me to a place where, I don't want to settle, but it (used to) horrifies me at the thought of solitude.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I find myself stuff between the feelings. I have to find the middle ground between being a



or a



I suppose my excursion to my next (innumerable) interview should commence. So until then.

Also.

As of tomorrow, I will have a job and a home. Thank the maker.

Starting an entry after how long and intense that last one was...it almost seems futile and fleeting. Maybe it says something about my life. Maybe it says something about the world. Who knows.

I think I'll probably make some huge update about how our country is fucked and how we're going to be facing a United Nations constitution within the next 10 years. We will be facing corporate control not only from corporations within our borders, but tentacles from outside. Sure, companies like Bank of America and all of the "made in china" companies have been a part out of lives for a while. But when a corporation (especially a bank) is being bought by one of the most corrupt financial institutions ever for pennies on the dollar...things are fucked. I really am too tired and too frustrated to make a severely in depth entry. But for now, click the two links, read up about the how one monster cannibalizes another. And how one company dies, and helps the appendages of another stretch.

I honestly cannot express how much you need to watch Zeitgeist and Loose Change.

Also. I found out today that I'm going to be an uncle. Next on the entry agenda, why having children is morally incorrect.

Also. I am really disappointed with people. Not really a particular group of people. There's no pattern. There's nothing but static. But for the faces and names that you find in the middle of the static and fuzz. All the things you've said and done...well they hurt. On a even more ambiguous note, all the things you don't say and don't do. Well. I'd be safe saying that they hurt even more.

"Life is a series of callouses, this is just another layer."

I've mentioned this to a couple people that I would write this update. So after my 2nd job interview today, I found myself at Mocha Express. Somewhere between Beaverton and Portland, writing it. So strap in and get ready.

This November, I will not be voting. Nor do I condone the act of voting, or any of the candidates.

There have been some interesting figureheads such as Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul. But they had their own issues (mostly Ron Paul being a blatant misogynist and Dennis Kucinich being a peace-will-fix-everything post-modern hippie/yuppie pile. But good lord his wife is hot). But the problem with all of it, is that YOUR VOTE DOES NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I wish it did, truly. I truly wish that this democracy we live in was real and tangible. I wish every ballot cast was one more name for the change-bringing candidate of one's choice. But it's not.

Firstly, we don't live in a democracy.

de·moc·ra·cy
Pronunciation: \di-ˈmä-krə-sē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural de·moc·ra·cies
Etymology: Middle French democratie, from Late Latin democratia, from Greek dēmokratia, from dēmos + -kratia -cracy
Date: 1576
1 a: government by the people ; especially : rule of the majority b: a government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised by them directly or indirectly through a system of representation usually involving periodically held free elections

Read closely. "...in which the supreme power is vest in the people"

The supreme power in this country, IS NOT THE PEOPLE. The supreme power in this country, or should I say, powers, are the corporations. The corporations are the people that make the stuff we by every day. And while you might be thinking, the corporations don't make the laws, they aren't the police, and they don't get elected by me, they do things much more important than all of those things. The corporations control you.

The corporations don't make the laws, the government does. That's absolutely true. But can the upper class of the fiscal population live on a mere $179,000 a year? Of course they can't. They are the leaders of this nation for Christ's sake! How dare they live within middle class means. So how do they exceed their measly $179,000 dollars every year? The corporations fuel them. Bribing you say? Maybe. No one would truly know for sure unless you yourself were being bribed. But these corporations fuel our government through lobbyists, through the funding of bills, candidacy funding, and greatest of all, through the personal agendas of many congressmen (including our president), that have fiscally realated corporate interests of their own.

So how is this relevant? That's where your vote is going. No where. These people are not elected, these people are generations of power-mongers that are a freight train of abuse and sheer animosity to the working class. I'd like to think that reading this far, you aren't an idiot, but just incase you are. It doesn't matter who's voting for who, because Fox is telling you that September 11th was masterminded by Osama BinLaden, a man who Dick Cheney is business partners with. It doesn't fucking matter because we've all gone to theaters and watched 20th Century Fox movies. It doesn't fucking matter because it's more than likely that we've read an owned newspaper, logged into Myspace, and/or have watched American Idol. Who all happen to be owned by one of the most twisted Republicans not directly involved with our government. NewsCorporation penetrates our lives in so many ways we don't even realize it. The next president will not be decided by a campaign ad, by a slogan, or by fucking hope. The next president will be decided by whatever the little box in our living room tells us it should be. And if you ignore it, you can hop on Myspace, read a newspaper, or go watch World Trade Center and feel warm and fuzzy about heroes dying for nothing more than capital gains.

Again. How is this relevant? While you may think your fellow 18-25 year old might be smarter than this. You might think that someone couldn't be influenced so easily, think again. In 2004, only 17% of you people even fucking voted. I don't know how many people have a like-minded thinking of choosing to abstain from voting like myself, but somehow I'm lead to believe that most Starbucks drinking, Marlboro cigarette smoking, meat-eating, McDonald's munching, Nike running, Gap wearing 18-25 year olds didn't give a flying fuck.

So let's say you did. Let's say that you voted for Kerry and your voice was heard, only to be edged out by W himself that fateful evening. Or let's go even further and say you voted for Gore and those goddamned hanging chads stole your vote. We'll examine that.

1.) Kerry would have won the race if 90,000 votes in Ohio had been counted and not thrown out. Instead, he threw out his chance to become your democratic savior and gave the election to his former secret society brother, George Bush. So ask yourself, why would your Democratic Jesus Christ simply give away his win to his supposed bane?

2.) Gore won. Over half a million people chose Gore over Bush. And due to the bullshit electoral college system, he was cheated out of it. Furthermore, the supreme court looked upon the recount situation in Florida and essentially said, "we project that Bush won these counties, so we're going to give the state to him". And you may ask yourself, "How could the Supreme Court, the highest, most thorough, and most just court in all of the land, make a decision like that?" They cite the 14th amendment in reference to due process being unachievable by December 12th, 2000. So let's recap, instead of recounting the counties that Gore could have won (he already won over 500,000 people across the country over Bush), they gave them to Bush because it would take too long to recount.

Now, let's recap the past 8 years of electoral history.

Let's say you love the electoral college system ("The Electoral College consists of 538 popularly elected representatives who formally select the President"), and instead of your voice being heard directly, you love the idea of a group of people casting their 1 in 50 vote for the president. And instead of them being legally bound to cast their vote based upon the popular dictation of the citizens of the state, they, and they alone, formally dictate the next president.

Let's say you love that idea.

The past two Democratic incumbents have both won, and instead of taking up their arms as the people's choice of leadership, they both bowed out within the spotlight of the media. Leaving us under the watchful, intelligent, and aware guidance of George Walker Bush.

You've read this far. You realize that I haven't said a word about the war (please be aware I am far too tired and have spent way to long in this coffee shop to even touch that). Please tell me you see the connections and ties between corporations and their control on us. Please tell me you see how the media shapes and contorts our minds to their likings, while the lawmakers and the highest in our government are swindled into bills and laws that benefit the rich and powerful and disenfranchise the poor and weak. Please tell me you see how corrupt our government us from the top, all the way to the state. Please tell me you see how your vote has been thrown away for the past 8 year (if you even utilized it). And tell me you angry.

Tell me you want things to be different and tell me you are sick and tired of your opinions, your voice, and your needs falling upon deaf ears.

Here's what you do.

Don't vote.

You're probably still thinking, this guy is out of his mind. We have to keep voting because things might change, things could be different. Let me tell you, things aren't changing. We haven't had a chance since 1913. And while you may not be convinced, here's what I propose.

We don't vote.

We. The people of the United States. The citizens. The lower class, the homeless, the wandering, the poor. The middle class. The hard working. The "barely making ends meet" families. WE.

Don't. We abstain from. We don't support them by supporting their game. We don't support their broken system. We don't support the bent politicians. And most of all, we don't support their overruling power.

Vote. We don't vote because we don't want to relinquish our power as citizens. The armies have been raised upon us. The media surrounds us. The powerful try to disembody our collective. The constitution is broken. But we have to resist.

We have to resist because our opinions are powerful, our ability to rule ourselves is apparent, and our hatred for disenfranchisement is real.

If you would like to be a beaten down citizen, if you'd like to throw away your power as an individual, and if you'd like to play their game, become their pawn, and agree with all of their shortcomings. Then by all means. Vote.

But if you'd like to have your voice heard, empower someone around you. Explain and encourage abstaining from voting. Because if no one is playing their game, they have no pawns to throw away. If no one votes, then no one wins. And if no one wins, no one rules. And when no one rules, we can finally rule ourselves.

FInally, I'd like for anyone reading with criticizing in mind, to please understand this. I am not perfect. You probably found my blog, from a link on my Myspace. I am not an example of perfection and there are loopholes in all aspects of my opinions and personal actions. Having a Myspace is not a crime against humanity, nor is it a fantastically awful thing. But understand that this is what you're surrounded with. Corporate control. Above and beyond where you find yourself, you have to remain true to the understanding that in order for humanity to continue, we must be humane. Our choices are real and do reflect upon others and our lives alike. But voting is a game that they want you to play. And if you don't like the way their game is played, you have something much more powerful than a vote. The choice to stop playing.

Obama, McCain, Bush, Kerry, Gore, Clinton, Nixon, Eisenhower, FDR, they all have one thing in common. They're all playing the same game. And the prize that's costed trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and the theft of your votes.

Your fear. Your compliance. Your attention. Your distraction. And your vote.

Watch Zeitgeist and Loose Change for more information on how you've been fucked.

Why Portland is cooler than where you live.


Blossoming Lotus


Voodoo doughnuts


Absurdly bike friendly and alternative transportation friendly.


Cheap rent


Someone pumps your gas for you


Everyone seems to be nice and will say hi when you walk down the street


The fucking Hawthorne district


Broadway Calls




Many people will probably read this and think, "You could find this a million places" or "So what?" Point is, there are many things you can just capture with a camera. There's experience, laughter, sobering reality, and heart-clenching feelings that come with moving to a new city. And since I left, the shitstorm that tried to follow me...well it just made me realize how much I want to be here and how far away I want to be from all of that. That being said, I miss some of you a lot. I hope this blog will maybe catch your interest and make you think, "Hey, maybe I should swing up to Portland to see all of this cool shit and hang out with Jason." At least, that's what I'm hoping it will do.

Still don't have enough energy to put in the thought of writing an actual update. Here's the shorthand version.

-I don't have a job
-I don't have a home
-I'm working harder than I've ever had to do change that

It sucks. But I know it'll be worth it. The good news is that my band rules. Musically, we're all putting in our best efforts, but I can't remember the last time I've actually felt this good. Songs just flow. We all have an input and get alone really well and it shows a lot in our music. It's a really good blend of a lot of things and I think that while we're rooted in hardcore, there's much more ground to be covered with us. Also. We are going to be the loudest band in Portland. Hands down. We are going to give Tragedy a serious run for their money (in terms of volume because they're the best band ever and we could never be better than them).

Anyway. I can't think of anything else that's important. Oh. I did get a flat tire downtown and got offered a lot of drugs. Nice.

And I hung out with Erica which was alarmingly pleasant. Let's hear it for girls that aren't sketchy!

I think I got the inspirado and kickstart I needed for a really good entry. But then I realized it was 4 AM.

See:

shyboyswin
tranquilmammoth

Walls can't close in any further because I'm not trapped anymore. But looking at 4 pieces of concrete move in so quickly still makes me shutter.

Distance is no longer coupled with meaning. Distance is meaning.

Well.

I still don't have a house. I have a home. But no house.

God. I fucking love it here. So much amazing food, and nice people, and the band is perfect. Stuff may need to get sorted out with the lineup, but the backbone is there. And that's all that matters. I feel so good about this decision. I was apprehensive, and I was lonely. But I realized that sorting things out and knowing that being alone isn't wrong or bad. Being alone is just...being alone. I don't have this outlet for romantic emotions and I don't really need one. There are people I miss and there are romantic feelings I wish I could pursue. But being alone is...sort of nice. I know that it's right for me right now. Just being alone and specifically not getting involved with anyone. But for tonight. For the past week as well. It's been nice not thinking about the next time I'll hold somebody, or when somebody will hold me. And I think I'm okay with that. And maybe there are exceptions (Duh. Karen.). But I think I'm okay with that too.

I think this city. These friends. And this new life is the foundation I needed to reestablish.

I don't really want to be anybody's baby anymore.

So far, myself, Chris, Terry, and Adam have become this quartet of awesome since I've gotten into town. We've been bouncing between different friends, houses, people we meet, trying to sleep on floors until we find a house. Adam's parents, after meeting us and getting to know us better agreed to let us stay until we finalize our house. We went and looked at one on the South Eastern side of town. It's a perfect location, and it's dirt cheap.

I don't even know where to begin describing the past 3 days. It's basically been a non-stop party. We're having our first band practice tomorrow which blows my mind. I'm so happy with everyone and every aspect. It's like talking to myself about what I want to do with music.

I feel like a new person. I feel like what I've been searching for within myself is finally able to come out because there's no old habits. There's no old bullshit. And there's no routine in my way of being anything but who I really am. I'm realizing now how different I was from what I wanted to be. And I'm realizing that this whole experience now, is a reset. And I'm so thankful for it.

I'm almost a week celibate too. I decided that was the first thing I was going to change. I think that getting involved with girls is complicated, fragile, and dangerous. None of which are good characteristics within a situation while you're trying to ground yourself with a new city. I think that avoiding that, and just trying to make friends and not developing a different mentality, should be a really good benefactor to this whole "reset". I know it's only a week. But I'm honestly aiming until the end of the year.

Lastly. I feel like the four of us (Myself, Chris, Terry, and Adam) are so close after barely knowing each other. It just all clicked. It's like we've been doing this friendship thing for years. And we've been doing it for mere days. It's a really good feeling. And I can't be thankful enough.

2 tanks of gas.
At least 10 Rockstars.
About 600 miles.
2 chuds.
1 middle finger.
1 four day pit stop.
1 new friend/drummer.
1 foot out the door.

I'm home.

There's something in the air. I can feel a much cooler breeze on the horizon. I can see rain and snow and sleet and hail. And it's all coming for me.

Today is the day I leave Redding for Portland. Today is the official embarking of a new adventure and chapter in my life. Everything that's happened so far has been a tunnel that's been leading to what I've perceived to be light. I'm leaving behind a lot. Namely my family, a few choices friends, and everything comfortable that I've ever known. That all was the first step out of the door onto this journey. This is the second leg and the door shutting behind me.

So if you're reading this thinking "I'm truly going to miss this guy", then thanks for the memories, and visit me soon. Relationships and dynamics can always change and become something equally positive and just different. And if you're thinking "this guy is a copout/sellout/asshole/coward/etc" you're probably right. But the good news is that you can go fuck yourself and never think about me again. Hopefully you won't see me when I visit home. I'm thinking there's a pretty solid number of the latter, so in knowledge of it being widely applicable, I mean it even more.

"Here's to the skinned knees and sutchered hearts. Here's to the unhappy endings and all the false starts."

Dear Redding,

Please don't be a blindfold to my overcoming fear.

I cried a lot today. A lot more than I wanted to.

I miss you.

Dear,

I'll work on me being so nearsighted.

Sorry for everything.

Love,

Jason.

I think certain people want me to write about my last show with Dance For Destruction. I think people want to hear the drama, they want to see me write "fuck this band" or "fuck this person" but I'm not going to. Namely because I have no hard feelings at all. I'm totally happy with my decision to leave, I think it was the right time, but it was for me. It's just time for me to move on. I'd absolutely encourage you to support Dance For Destruction. They're all good people that I'm going to miss a lot.

I've been across the country and back with them and they're like siblings to me (Ean of course being the patriarchal big brother).

Other than that. I'm just getting ready to leave. Essentially, I'm just in the 3 day process of saying goodbye. Today I move out of my house. Tomorrow I spend with my family. Monday I'm spending with Jamie and Dana. Tuesday I'm in Redding. Then I head into Portland on Friday. HOT WATER MOTHERFUCKING MUSIC ON SATURDAY.

I have no solid place to live. I have no job. I have 3 friends. And more adventure than I've ever held in my entire life.

I'll write as much as I can, whenever I can when I get there. My next entry will likely be in Redding though.

This is terrible.

This is horrific.

This is exactly what I wanted without wanting it.

The days are growing short. The time I have here is so fleeting. I realized that there are certain people I won't even get to say goodbye to. There's this sort of trapped feeling I'm encountering not having enough time. I think also it made me realize how few people really matter. That's been the most interesting part of this whole ordeal and decision to move is how much I realized how little and how much people meant to me. I realized a lot of things today. I think I'm a lot more fake than I've allowed myself to realize. I don't know...maybe not fake...maybe just not who I think I am.

I know a greater portion of my life, especially as an "adult", has been spent in a haze of arrogance and dishonesty (to myself that ultimate reflects on others). I think this is too personal to write in some blog, but there are a few people I hope read it. A few people who I didn't lie to, but a few people I think I lead on when I tried covering my insecurity. I think that's about as honest as I can be over a fucking computer screen stealing wifi in a fucking parking lot.

I think there's a few people I've been really honest with.

And I think there's something about that statement that doesn't just sit in my stomach the way it should.

I think part of this move was me telling myself I deserved a better life and a chance to start with a clean slate. There was this selfish sort of feeling I was grasping to that told me to run and to start over. And there are a lot of valid reasons for moving, but there was this spark that came from me thinking about myself and the world I created around myself. This world that could balance sometimes and sometimes fell apart so violently and in the most fucking ridiculous ways...I was just tired of it. And that's why I'm leaving. A clean slate. A white sheet of paper that doesn't have my faults written on them.

So I've made the decision. I'm moving. I'm really doing it.

So what am I going to do differently? I'm twenty one years old. I should know better than to be doing a lot of what I do.

So what am I going to do differently?

What new years resolutions am I going to try and stick with?

Is February going to come by and am I going to call it quits?

I don't know if I will have the opportunity to write in this again until I'm at least in Redding. So until then, I'll think.

Until then I'll just mull it all over and think to myself "What the fuck did it I do wrong and how am I going to fix it? Because it's not someone else's problem anymore. I can't blame someone's faults, decisions, or cold-hearted hatred held against me anymore. It's my world that I can shape and how am I going to make it something I can sustain?"

So. Due to my excessive amount of business, between work, practice, packing, cleaning, and planning. I haven't had much time to write in this. I wish I could have. My thoughts have been massively scattered and I kept on wanting to write, but I couldn't find the focus. So one massive sandwich and sleeping at my Mom's house helped that out quite a bit.

It's 6 days at this point until I move.

I haven't really locked down exactly how I feel yet. I made my goodbyes with a few people and it's been strange and plastic.

And there it goes. My focus. Totally gone.

Maybe I'll regain it when I have Portland under my feet.

I had a dream last night. It went something like this.

"I hope that you're happy going north. I know you wanted to and I'm sorry I got in the way. I hope that you're not moving there to appease some sort of idea that you're escaping anything. You won't find what you're looking for unless it's misery and distance. I hope you realize that your journey towards something temporary, intangible and plastic fails miserably like I know it will."

I don't know how I conjure this fucking shit up. But I do. And it hurts because I know it's not a stretch of truth. This is not farfetched. And you can sleep easy knowing that whatever aches are in my heart are all yours.

I've probably started this entry at least three or four times. I think now that my mind has settled down sort of, I'm hoping I can get some of this out.

Last night was awful. Literally one of the worst nights I can fathom happening in a long time. There are so many elements and different things but they're all awful in their own particular way. Mostly, I was just disappointed. I was disappointed in people and their inability to communicate and listen to what other people have to say. The oblivious sighted person can only see what's set in front of them. And as I'm just as guilty as many a lot of the time, it doesn't detracted from the sickness in my stomach when I see violence, disrespect, and such a hostile state of distaste. I'd like to say it left a bitter taste in my mouth, but it made me want to fucking vomit.

I can complain. I can criticize. And I can tear down everything I don't like about hardcore in Sacramento. I can do the same with people I considered friends. I can do the same with people I genuinely cared about. And now I'm left here, writing in this fucking blog about it. It doesn't change anything. My feelings, my opinion, my solutions, they literally mean nothing. Because there's too much momentum. And I don't think I can do anything about it. And it sucks. But that's part of the solution.

Leaving is going to be so good. Getting out of here will feel so great.

I felt like I had more to write. And I sort of do. But the words are too fragile. And certain hearts aren't to be toyed with.

It seems like things are placing themselves. It seems like the pieces I thought I had to put back together, sort of marched their way into succession. Tiny inconsistencies made up for a pattern I could have never guessed. The weavings of a beautiful picture painted on the northwestern coast. I think it's finally happening.

One thing in particular weighed heavy on my mind the past day or so. It's promises. I was talking to a friend and commitments and ideals on lasting relationships were brought up. Then marriage. And I realized how scared I am not of commitments or longevity, but more so, maintaining my word and bond. I think that my greatest fear is disappointing someone who I look up to. Letting someone down is about the most powerfully felt thing that resonates in me like a quarter-tone. I'm thinking to myself, I can turn it all off, but I don't think I can.

Sometimes I can just flip a switch in my head. I won't get attached. I won't feel anything. And I'll just walk away. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can't flip that switch because a mutual respect is what follows and I can't turn that switch on that person. So where does my word lead me? Where does the unspoken commitment of honesty follow me? I'm leaving in 4 weeks. I can lie all day long because the truth is that there are no repercussions. There are no consequences. Sure I can burn my bridges and I'll have to avoid people when I visit "home". But really, there aren't any. I've tried explaining this to a couple people as such: If you knew that the world was ending tomorrow at 7 pm. What would you do? Would you kill someone? Would you make love with someone? Would you run from someone? Would you hurt someone? Would someone hurt you? The way I see it. I have no guarantees. And as nihilistic as that sounds in a off sense, I don't. And it's up to me to make something good of today. But without a guarantee on tomorrow, why invest? What's the point of mutual respect? What's the point of admiration or for attachment?

I know what the answer is. I truly do. But somehow it's on the tip of my tongue but completely inaudible.

It's always interesting to me how things change.

Even things as simple as intentions, or blogs, or the combination of both. It's strange also, how quickly things can turn from new, into terrifyingly alien, overnight.

The details are important. They're exactly what kills me, every single time I think about it. It's the little things that always make things count. You never count them as anything significant, anything real. But once you do count them, you realize that they have a value that combined and in numbers, means just the same as the most beautiful or the most hurtful thing anyone could ever say. Every little look, dirty or loving. Every little smile, whether in the purest form of happiness, or in sarcastic frustration. Every little squeeze while you hold hands, whether in excitement or checking to see if you're alone. Every single "I love you" whether within the deepest and darkest parts of your heart, or in the desperation of regret. The little things count.

But those details are personal. Too personal for some bullshit blog with pathetic intentions. Those details are for me to know, and for her to know.

My details however...they don't have the same value of gravity. My details are futile and alone.

The things we seek and the things we exhaust our energy upon should be known. The things we stockpile our hurt emotions upon. They too should be known. Our hearts that are broken should be known.

And our futures that are unwritten, should not be known.

I can look back, I can examine, and I can analyze over and over and over. But I won't (I heard once if you hear a lie enough times it becomes truth). I sincerely hope that my shortcomings, don't mean forever. I hope that my faults aren't concrete. And I hope that my failures bar me from the happiness I tried to cultivate.

The same way I look back. I can also look forward. In front of me lies a person named adventure who's begging me to bed. And in the fantastic climax of me letting go of everything, I hope I see the same color bars I keep singing about. I hope horizon speaks to me and I hope it means exactly what it says.

"Everyone wants me to ride into the sun. But I ain't gonna go down."

And I won't. Because after listening to "We Are The Romans" for the millionth time. I think I will join our friends.

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Things, finally, were starting to go my way.

Basically I've got things with my move lined up. I've got a place to stay once I get there, to get on my feet. I have several jobs lined up at familiar places (music stores, record stores, etc). I sold my old car. I bought a new car. I got my new amp. I got my reverb pedal. I'm making plans with old friends. I'm saying goodbyes to people instead of trying to forget them. I've made amends with flames long gone cold. I've made plans for a better life. And I'm really, really happy.

One phone call is all it takes to really put things in perspective.

I don't think I've ever felt more of a "check" in my gut from a few sentences. Not from any romance gone awry, Not from any betrayal of any friend. Not from any call or confrontation. Not from anyone announcing literal death.

I think perspective is an interesting thing because it's almost like someone is holding these blinders around your eyes from behind you. Most of the time you can grab hold of those hands and look at the things you want to see, you can view the world from the periscope you so choose to focus. But sometimes, once in a while, that person holding those blinders tosses your helpless hands to your side and points your open eyes to something you don't want to see. It makes you analyze and confront the truths that stand in front of you. No loopholes. No guessing. No looking at it for anything that it is, except for what it is entirely.

There's no reason for names. There's no reason for details.

I just know that in some way, and (more likely) in many ways, I'll miss you.
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I haven't had a serious opportunity to update this and so I've been writing the past two entries as I felt needed.

It's hard to describe or explain how I feel about my entire situation. There's so many, and there's so much complexity to each one. I think there are certain aspects to each one that just fuck with my head. And if you combine a little fucking with my head with eight-thousand situations, it turns in to me being pulled in a million directions emotionally. It's never gotten easier with my coming of age...I don't know if I'd ever call it a coming of age. It's more like I left one age, and now I'm just going. I know I'm not standing still, but I'm not entirely sure where I'm going. It's sort of just this movement that I keep pushing. It's like, I'm still pushing and pushing but I don't know if there's a goal I'm moving towards. I think it's more like, I'm pushing, just to get away from where I was. I don't think there's a better place I could be going necessarily, but I think my distaste for my past is the fuel to my engine.

It's a complicated matter (one of many like I've talked about), moving forward. It's hard because if you look at everything in your past with some sort of, disappointment. Without careful consideration and constant action, you'll probably end up with some sort of bitterness. And while I'm not saying bitterness can't be used as a tool for improvement, it's a rough one. But for me, I think it's always been effective. But sometimes it hurts. My lackluster efforts have never been rewarded and now that I'm basically leaving everything in my life behind, my efforts have been multiplied and I think I'm starting to understand that there are more elements to this whole thing than just my own efforts. I think I can finally say that my bitterness hasn't overrun my personal outlook, especially on myself. It's still a work in progress. But I'm trying. There's so much darkness surrounding me, I don't know if I'll ever get out. But I have to keep on pushing because I don't love where I am. My thirst for a better life won't ever be filled. And I say that without bitterness.

I'm not sure how much I can really say about my situation. It's hard to explain without some sort of precursor. I think that over time, I'll do some sort of Wizard And Glass, and it will probably stat making some sort of sense. 

I drove down to the bay today and spent some time with Holly. It was really good to see her before I leave for the weekend. I'm heading to Southern California to see my sister marry a racist pile of shit. That's a whole other paragraph or two to explain too...

Being in the bay felt fantastic. It was good to leave and it was good to get out of Sacramento. Recently, it's been massively smokey. And it's been oppressively hot. I was riding down to the record store (where I scored a great condition copy of the White Album), and I rode past a local bank and the LED lights told me at 9:30 P.M. it was a nearly retarded 90 degrees outside. So going to bay, getting away from the smoke, and needing to cuddle up with my lady felt great. I've been really down about this whole quitting thing though. I have desires, and I have things that I want to achieve very clearly in my mind. Getting there will be a different story. Quitting was a first step, the next one is finding a home and a job. But continuously, I've been writing. It's a big step forward for me, getting out of D4D mode, and into whatever it is I am now. I think mostly, the simplicity of our structures is what I've abandoned first. But I think some of the melodic capabilities I put into the band, I'm going to eliminate. I think there's a valid sense of hatred, heartache, and pain that needs to be exploited within myself through what I'm writing. It feels good to move forward. But it's scary jumping into a void, without direction. Without a direct goal. 

Now I'm at the airport. On their fantastically fast WiFi. And my flight just called out. I'll be writing soon...

I think if there was ever a good time for me to be remotely serious about blogging about my life, it's now. 

For those of you who are randomly stumbling upon this. I'm Jason. I think I'm starting this blog as a sort of placeholder in my life. For the past 3 years I've been playing in a band called Dance For Destruction. Earlier this morning, I quit that band in order to pursue a few different things. 

I mostly quit because my heart wasn't honestly within the band anymore. Nothing personal, at all, I just think I grew somewhere else. I'm really interested in going back to school. And I'm also pretty hellbent on getting the fuck out of Sacramento and into the Bay Area. 

I hope I can actually maintain this blog unlike countless others. But maybe I will find the time and motivation to do so. I think my past experiences as a touring musician and ongoing struggle as a high school educated twenty-one year old should be sufficient in wasting time at work or home, and giving the creeps an inside look into my life. 

I think the most daunting of all things I've taken on today is the beginning of my search into the greater East Bay area for a job, and a home. I'm talking to my friend Ben (whom I toured with last summer) about the possibility of getting a two bedroom apartment in the Oakland area. I found a few prospects of jobs as well. I'm hoping for an email from a music store particularly. I think that my narcissism is sufficient for this evening. I'll write more soon.